Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
