I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
