I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
