Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
