I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
