did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
im on a boat
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