why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
