break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
