Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
