I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
