Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This baby is an asshole
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
