I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im holly from the hills drunk
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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