I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
