he shaved USA in his pubs
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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