I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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