i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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