Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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