your thong is hanging out like whoa
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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