Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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