dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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