unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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