No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
