My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
