This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
