I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
