if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
