Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
