Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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