So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My life is pants optional.
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