he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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