last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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