I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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