If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
