Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
