I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
