My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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