once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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