the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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