I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
