we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Randomize
