eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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