i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
