Quick, to the slutcave!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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