i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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