i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
