We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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