Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
