"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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