my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize