My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
