Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's never too late to be topless.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
