I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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