I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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