Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
did i walk over a car last night?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
