I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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