if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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