What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
