my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Randomize
