Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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