Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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